Passage - a path made for somebody through an obstruction such as a crowd of people Mercy -kindness or forgiveness shown to an offender or to somebody a person has power over This blog title is a rip off from a support group called "Journey With Grace." It belongs to the Women's Pregnancy Center. But since I am the leader/facilitator, I helped create the name. Also - it means a lot to my life...and I know I am on a journey - like Christian in Pilgrim's Progress. I looked up the synonyms for journey - and I think passage is a good replacement. Passage means: a path made for somebody through an obstruction such as a crowd of people. The obstruction would be my own stubbornness, pride, ego, and self-protection. I once called it a "narcissistic-self-hatred." Tim Sledge - the counselor at the time - said that was impossible - it was a contradiction. Yes, but I have seen it in others. I am so black and white that there are a lot of contradictions in my personality.

Narcissism means:
Excessive self-admiration and self-centeredness, in psychiatry, a personality disorder characterized by the patient’s overestimation of his or her own appearance and abilities and an excessive need for admiration.
Self-hatred is: hatred or contempt for your own weaknesses or innate characteristics

So narcissistic-self-hatred is: an overestimation of my own appearance and abilities and an excessive need for admiration while harboring a hatred or contempt for my own weaknesses or innate characteristics

sounds logical to me...?
I've been extremely depressed for the past few days. I just came down from a spiritual high - Saturday 4/29/06 was the Memorial service for Journey With Grace. Two ladies went through, and two babies were memorialized, Micah Seth, and Hope Alexandria. (moms were Norma & Greta) Mostly due to my inability to control my spending and being in debt again. Rent is due - and the child support was spent before - so all of the rent comes out of this pay check. I have a $140 amount still owed to the car insurance company because they raised my rate due to my bad credit. That was due on 4/28. Also - my Cingular phone bill is due to be paid before the 13th, and my first car payment is due on the 13th. I don't get paid again until 5/19.

Also I am looking at three weeks worth of cooking at home. YUCK. HATE IT. Of course, that is because I have a dark little kitchen, with black appliances that are supposed to look European, but just make the kitchen dark...and I hate cleaning. I hate cleaning up after dinner, and after my teenagers....which they might clean up after themselves if I became an example.

If, if, if, if, if....my life revolves around if's.

I have been reviewing the Houston Center for Christian Counseling website. There are two FAQ's that hit with me...

How does counseling help?
Counseling can help in a number of situations. Sometimes all an individual might need is a safe person and a safe place. A Proverb indicates that "the plans of a man are like deep water, but one of understanding draws it out." many people do certain things or desire to do certain things or fell certain things and are not sure why. They might have continually made bad choices and are not sure why. A person of understanding can help draw out the reason and facilitate other options. A counselor can help process the situations, the feelings, the thoughts and the goals associated with a decision to bring clarity and closure.

Can I get better by myself without counseling?
This is an appropriate question because not everyone needs therapy for each and every situation. Many people can and do get better without any outside intervention. Others have tried dealing with situations on their own, but continue to make bad choices and to experience pain. If you continue to use the same strategies in life and relationships and these are not working for you, counseling might be helpful.

I heard one time that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

And I wonder why my life never gets easier. I live my life the same way and expect it to get better. I am still dealing with weight - but I don't exercise, housework - but don't take the time to de-clutter, and finances - but don't do the things my "life-coach" has requested that I do to get my finances in order.

For the past three days, I have spent at least 15 minutes a night doing something around my apartment at night. How many times make a habit? 21? I only have 18 more nights to make it a good habit.

So what am I going to do differently for my finances? I want to learn delayed gratification. I read that is the key to financial maturity.

Ron Blue a Christian Financial Counselor writes:

There are four principles for money management that are foundational. If you implement them in your life you'll never have a problem with materialism. (I don't know that materialism is the issue, just poor habits and choices - but here they are)

1) God owns it all
...we are but stewards of all that He has entrusted to us. He is our possessor - and sometimes our dispossessor...everything we have is but a loan from Him...every spending decision is a spiritual decision...Waste, for example, is not a squandering of our resources...it is a poor use of His.
2) There is always a trade-off between time & effort and money & rewards
...your purchases are bought with your tine, which you traded for money...everything you buy is purchased with a portion of your life...
3) There is no such thing as an independent financial decision
...those who can't resist blowing their money for junk are limiting themselves in areas of greater need or interest...extravagance at one point will eventually lead to frustration down the road
4) Delayed gratification is the key to financial maturity
...there must be a willingness to deny short-term gratification and to live within one's means

Another resource (www.troubledwith.com) was an article called "Where is God in the Midst of All My Troubles?"

This article recognized that "we human beings are wrecks." "The external troubles that we blame on God," it continues,” are the least of our suffering. Something worse is wrong with us, and it is wrong with us inside.

One writer describes the problem as a 'deep interior dislocation in the very center of human personality.' [dislocation: the displacement of something from its usual or proper position] What we want to do, we don't. What we don't want to do, we do. (Isn't that from Paul's writing?) We not only do wrong, but we call it right. Even the good things in us become polluted. We may long to love purely, but our desires turn into idols that control us. We may long to be "blameless" like Job, but our righteousness turns into self-righteousness that rules us. We may long to be reconciled to God, but we can't stop wanting to be the center of the universe ourselves.

Not only are we broken, but we can't repair ourselves....If we trust [Jesus] as our price-payer, as our sin-bearer, then through Him we can give up our broken life and receive His own life in its place. Then no suffering can be meaningless, because it is lifted up into His own suffering and redeemed.

Did you read the catch? "If we trust Him." Can you do that? Can you do it utterly, without reserve? Can you give up the ownership of yourself, and transfer the title to Him? If something in your heart is an obstacle [obstruction] (see passage) - some fear, some pain, some pride-can you at least ask Him to remove it?

Though He had 77 questions for Job - for you He has only one. Will you come?

***
so as I go through these resources, and as I go through my day, typing this blog as I can....my boss called me into his office. We are hiring a new person to start Monday in our department - and my boss raised my pay to be comparable to his - so I got a $2,500/year raise.

OK - I can see that is a God- thing. Thank you God. Thank you, Abba. What a good God you are.

Time to go home for the day...I will close.